The World of an Introvert, Hiding In Plain Sight.
Painful For Who?
Introverts. What do we know, apart from the silence we think that surrounds them? The world doesn’t take too kindly to introverts. First of all, “normal” to most people means being friendly and open. By that definition, introverts are mistakenly seen as just the opposite. Sometimes, people use the term painfully shy. So how come we usually say “PAINFULLY shy” introverts but we never say “PAINFULLY friendly” extroverts?
Painfully. That means something is wrong. Well, from the perspective of the one reaching out, it is painful. Much like how you’d observe a person whose tooth is being pulled kind of painful. You see, when you coax an introvert from the comfortable safe space he is in, you sense his sudden discomfort. From that instance, everything becomes awkward. There’s the pain right there — almost palpable in its thickness.
Fake it till you make it
I bet while you’re reading this, you are nodding your head. “That’s right! I did experience that!” You’re probably the introvert who was forced out of your happy inner world. Or you’re the one trying to include the introvert into the group discussion.
If you wonder how introverts cope, then read on. You’ll probably get some answers from here.
Like all living creatures, introverts know that the key to survival is adapting and evolving. Through time, some introverts adapted and morphed into something closely resembling an extrovert.
For Introverts, Alone does not mean Lonely
For some people, dining out on their own only happens because they have no choice. For me, I intentionally create that opportunity. Truth be told, I still get some reactions when I say I love dining out on my own. Some don’t get it and say that sounds sad haha. I love real long meals all by my lonesome. In those moments, I feel very much in my element and love the solitude.
It feels very natural for me to eat alone, walk alone, space out for hours.
Happy in my own Cocoon
No need to explain why my thoughts are jumbled up (as when I try to explain to a companion or describe what I am feeling – when I myself find it difficult to understand).
During those moments, I don’t need to talk or respond appropriately to a statement. I don’t need to make eye contact and smile. Silence is my friend and I don’t feel obligated to fill the silence with a question or remark. Just be my “weird”, natural self.
Introverts Adapt and Deal
I also know myself well enough to say I can carry conversations and be around a crowd when I need to, just like an extroverted introvert or what others call outgoing introvert. I am able to adapt and deal with situations where I need to talk and be with people. I enjoy being sociable but my limit is actually much much shorter than people realize. It is just that I go on auto-pilot or am so used to it, that I even surprise myself! I only know I was coping because of the sense of relief I get when I de-compress and am allowed my long hours of being with I, me and myself.
Balancing Act of an Ambivert
Others don’t just resemble extroverts, they actually shift from one mode to another, depending on the situation. You call that an ambivert. I have more traits of an introvert but because I am more outgoing that the “norm,” I can also identify with being an ambivert.
You’d think ambiversion is a copout middle-ground and that everybody has introvert and extrovert traits. I fully agree that all human beings have both traits — we cannot polarize it and say you’re all one or the other.
However, it is in the peculiar mix of traits that defines and distinguishes ambiverts.
Introverts in a Crowd
I am talkative and that’s why people naturally think I am an extrovert. They read my passion for the topic as loving to be in a crowd. How can I deny being an extrovert when clearly, being in a crowd is a given when teaching, training, emceeing, being a flight attendant even?!!? Right?
I share ideas, help people practice a skill, discuss better ways to do things. My need to share ideas is greater than my need to be by myself. Also, my past and present jobs have given me confidence. And the experiences basically honed that skill of managing people.
You should see me in between breaks in a workshop or when emceeing an event. I stay in one area and look at my script or whatever it is that helps me do my job for the next part of the event. The only exceptions are if I am with people I am familiar with — then I am super talkative. And I guess that’s what gets stuck in people’s minds. The challenge is when I am quiet, they think something is “wrong.” Ironically, that’s when it feels “right” to me. Because then I can go into my inner world: the complex, complicated, amusing traffic that is in my head.
Introverts Are Chatty Depending on Purpose and Focus
So how do you reconcile the contrast in behavior and personality? Isn’t behavior a manifestation and offshoot of one’s personality???
The difference is in the focus and purpose.
I don’t enjoy the crowd per se. But I am talking about a topic with enthusiasm and the crowd is the means to that activity. I enjoy the crowd because it allows me to connect and talk about the topic. The number of people doesn’t bother me as much since my attention is focused on conversing, observing reactions. I am passionate about learning (no, not a nerd, I meant learning in general) and I love that people can find something new, develop themselves one day at a time. As I said, it is all in the focus.
And when done being in a crowd, we all go into our safe space to recharge. That can be in the form of spacing out, sleeping, losing one’s self in music, film, books.
Small Talk: Introvert's Nightmare
Same idea with small talk. Truth be told, I avoid small talk. That is so hard for me. But reality always gets in the way, and I cope and go on automatic pilot.
Switching to automatic pilot was something I developed when I became a flight attendant. Being in that role for a time, small talk became a necessary skill. It helped that I knew it was a way to establish rapport with my passengers. I like being and conversing with people more than the “pure” introvert, who is usually described as someone who finds difficulty in dealing with people and gets easily overstimulated when around people.
Anti-social Extrovert
If you’re an introvert hiding in plain sight, you probably consider yourself an anti-social extrovert. Why that term? That’s because I have been known to be all energized and hyper in a workshop or party and then all quiet right after. I go from super charged to totally drained.
I want to shut out everything and everyone, even when I had absolute fun during the socials. You see, a “true” or “pure” extrovert is naturally high even hours after the encounter. And will easily get bored of alone time. Clearly, I do NOT get bored being by myself. I relish those moments and get energized.
Introverts Reaching Social Burnout Level
Actually, I’ve always been more comfortable with a few friends. But when puberty hit, I began to enjoy going out, having long conversations on the phone. But friends will readily admit (as with family members especially my siblings hahaha) that I can be closed off or in Filipino, “masungit.” I personally think most of those episodes stem from the pressure and tension of “keeping it all together” and being “happy to be in a crowd.” Adapting takes its toll.
I started SimplyCarics because I wanted a medium of self expression and introspection. A blog gives me the freedom to be authentic. I have been thoroughly enjoying the whole practice and discipline of blogging. Of course, a large part of the enjoyment is that writing allows me to be by myself.
I do hope this particular article struck a chord in you — as my aim in writing is to share ideas on how to live life to the fullest. If you are an introvert or ambivert, then hopefully it gave you comfort in knowing you are not alone. If you are an extrovert, I hope that by letting you in on a part of the inner thoughts of an introvert, you will have an even greater understanding, respect and acceptance of our differences.
So in case we are enjoying our alone time, say we need to recharge, or absentmindedly space out, you now know that most likely, “it really isn’t you, it’s just us.”
